i miss proper blogging but from all my rants and vents and heartache that have stained this blog............idk if its appropriate to continue a normal blog, is it? I know some of you do read my stuff, I would appreciate an opinion (even anonymously) in the comments please!

thanks yall, yall are true safety nets

i appreciate and treasure every one of u who has reached out to me even in the smallest of manners

x

       

a fresh month

i never realised how many people read my blog until i got a few dm's regarding a few of my previous posts.
i always thought this was a quiet safe haven and it holds quite a number of personal secrets (or not-so-personal) now that i think about it. i started writing casually here because i thought i had no one who bothered to read through it but knowing that there are some people who care enough about me to give me an occasional "hey are u ok?" helped me so much.

u have no idea.

anyway, this week I'm feeling much more positive and confident. i am going to take the new month by storm and put my chin up as high as it allows me to. i am going to give myself breaks that i deserve, study sufficiently and consistently but most importantly - i am going to work on keeping myself sane and happy.

also, i need to get used to doing things alone - especially eating alone. i have only one friend on campus, and her eating times differ from mine.

so i am going to learn to have to live independently.

but for everyone who checked in on me, thank you so much. you guys have no idea how much it's helped me.

p/s: I FINALLY BOUGHT A SUCCULENT it was kinda atas with a terrarium and all but hey, i'm using her as a symbol of growth and positivity. and she really calms me down.

its my second week at the new university and i can't tell u the number of times i have broken down crying in my room (or bathroom, if my roommate was home). i have no idea why i feel so out of place and the whole pressure of living up to a scholarship is really numbing my brain and stressing me the hell out.

honestly no one gets, no ONE gets how i truly feel. i always tell my friends "i miss hw" or like i ask for snaps from them from uni and its so painful to watch them. no one understands how fucking hard it was to leave my comfort zone and it was one of the biggest struggles in my life. i struggled so hard to make the decision, and im struggling now to stick to it.

my mom thinks im extremely happy, which is good. i dont want her to think otherwise. i need to put up the strongest front i got to my parents, because the least i can do is study hard and make their money's worth.

as for now, i struggle with the anxiety of going to class and meeting allllll sorts of characters, and i am honestly the shittiest person at saying no. i wonder whats going to happen to me.


     

all in all, lets face it,
money really is everything, isn't it?

to crave adventure or to crave home

u know whats really funny?
how i sometimes crave to go out and experience new things with people i love

but everytime i make plans and follow through with them,
im really relieved to be home.


     

goin' on city adventures

so ok i started a poll on twitter to see which post would be most interesting for me to blog on and with an overwhelming 15 (yes! 15!!11! i have so many friends y'all) votes, you guys......................did not vote for this post HAHA. but i felt like writing a post on this cause the pictures were easier to compile.

anyway in my third sem of foundation in HWU i was definitely a tourist more than anything in KL. btw, i am from penang. so when i say KL i mean - shah alam, kepong, cyberjaya, petaling jaya, subang jaya, damansara bla bla, ALL OF IT. sorry i don't get the segregation - its kinda ignorant of me, i apologize. but KL is the city to me and city is KL lol. also, this is partially thanks to a certain someone (ahem). here are some of the few spots i went to that i can somewhat recall.

1. Ali, Ah Hock, Muthu @ Chinatown

ok so I came here on a date. ok lets be honest, 95% of the places in this post are dates la lets just get that out of the way. hi dhanya, i see you. anyway, yeah that's why i took so few pictures and the pics that i did take are super grainy and not in focus/ a terrible angle. but its ok cause memoriez y'all.

Anyway it was a really cute ass cafe, i loved the interior and also their logo on the blind prints if i recall correctly. we had their nasi lemak ayam goreng - really good; according to kx the owners also owned village park so the taste was somewhat reminscent of that?? we also ordered chee cheong fun alongside the nasi lemak which......as a penangite i can tell you, was a complete disappointment. it was edible, but don't get it if you ever decide to give the place a try. idk why but kx wanted to give their char koay teow a go after tasting their ccf (idk man he weird??) BUT it was honestly one of the more decent char koay teow(s) I've had, halal too! So yeah, just give the ccf a skip.

2. Pasar Seni

from there, we headed to pasar seni where they were selling lots of small trinkets and little goodies. it was very pretty. i love the malaysian art culture; and pasar seni definitely had malaysian art splattered all over it. there was an array of batik selections, little peranakan inspired jewellery, typical chinese bangles, etc. etc. such ravishing culture we own! correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there is an indoor and outdoor portion of pasar seni and (while i didn't manage to take any pics there), i did manage a shot of our putu bamboo which we bought when we were roaming the outdoor market!

3. Merchants Lane

the pic was taken in Merchants Lane cafe (which MY GOSH STUNNING). next to it was my aesthetic tea, i forgot what flavour it was. and kx, as usual got himself a latte. Merchants Lane was super crowded that day, but its an insanely interesting place, i love how they did up the small ruins of the shophouse! I would go back and try their food too.

sneak a look @ their menu!! so cute!

HAHA so funny story, i like to randomly take pics when i see certain "iconic" moments come to life. and by iconic - ok let me explain through this pic. basically, i felt like this guy was truly living the hipster dude vibe - sitting in a cafe, working on a mac; with a cup of coffee by his side, rockin some converse and his smol kanken rested on the floor - isn't it cool? maybe im just really strange. ok moving on

4. Chinatown itself aka the street LOL (apparently petaling street)

Walking the streets is nothing amazing, but its an experience. i remember this is when kx called mata kucing something else and i basically was like "wtf is that???" and he was like "you've never had?" and obviously i said no cause he fked up the name but HEY I HAVE HAD IT EXCUSE ME. still good tho. noms.

5. Aquaria, KLCC

Ah, the tourist spot. truth be told, i was never very intrigued as to what goes on in aquaria. i was just always interested to know why it was an attraction? and i guess the only way to know is to go for myself right? right.

Aquaria is honest to god gorgeous, pretty crustaceans everywhere. really interesting place. but in my opinion, not worth the money. however, i did read a tweet online saying how people who claim places like aquaria are too expensive are ignorant and that it costs lots of money to maintain and provide these creatures with suitable living environments - and I guess I agree to a certain extent. 

visit it once la, its quite a place.

the jellyfish were too pretty!!!! <3

6. Jalan Alor

View of twin towers as we were walking the street.

tbh idk wtf i was trying to achieve in the shot above. but its ok, at least i got something. jalan alor was everything i heard of plus more. it was FULL of food, aromatic food accompanied by sizzling sounds of charred goodness in the night air -- it was so nice! we ended up eating at a small thai place with pretty good food. a scammer almost scammed kx into getting me a rose, tbh i would've loved to have kept it if it wasn't a scam. too bad la. then i practically lectured kx on getting a backbone and fighting off scammers HAHA. oh! and there was a relatively good local band playing that night and it added to the mood. it was great. 
7. Village Park Nasi Lemak 

Village Park was hella packed when we went......and it looked just like how it did on everyone's instagram. really good. service was a little slow, they brought our drinks super late but other than that - the food was pretty nice. I would recommend. 
8. Cheese Milk Tea ???

ok, not an insanely notable place BUT it was an interesting experience. we both have lactose intolerance, by the way HAHA. it was...........an odd combination. some say it works, i say its OK, kx says its bleh. oh well, to each their own i guess. 

9. Little Wonton Cafe

THIS PLACE IS LITERALLY A SMALL HIDDEN GEM. it is so gorgeous and the food is super interesting too! 

They serve charcoal wanton noodles (supposedly healthy); they tasted really light and flavourful and were not oily at all! I loved it. after having village park and cheese milk tea, something light like this truly did the trick. i really enjoyed myself. 

damn isn't the interior so dreamy?? it was in such a dodgy area i did not expect such a lovely place! 10/10 would recommend y'all come here!

this place is also personally vvvv special because of other reasons that shall not be disclosed LOL.


Anywho, there's lots more tales of adventures for me to spill. but i shall just stop here for now. i will look back at these and remember them as a very big part of my youth, thank you for coming into my life and blessing me with such experiences. here's to many more.


     

being a low skilled labourer - as unglamourous as it sounds

i think i have a problem, my egoistic self is never happy nor satisfied working small time jobs. but one thing's for sure, i never have and never will regret the experience of them all.

my current job environment, is, i admit, one of the best amongst the 3 jobs ive worked. earning higher here too. but certain things that we're tasked to do as low payed workers, i sometimes can't accept. and it makes things tough on me and the company.

but i only have 3 more weeks of work left and here's a mantra to help me cope: do it for the money.

i struggle with the fact that work is for money. i always find a need to only work when it is meaningful and necessary. so when im given an odd, dumb job - everyone tells me i should just be happy i have a relaxing part and accept my money. but i cant. i like being valued, i dislike being looking down upon.

yet again, i tell myself to breathe. it's all for the money. nothing but the money.

god help me

its another one of those nights again, where I just feel like I’m going insane. and then I realise its me, I’m the problem. and I’ve always been the problem. And i want to scream and lash out but as I’ve incessantly been told and constantly made aware, that if anyone deserves my crap, its me. no one’s gonna tolerate you and your emotions, or lack there-of, or simply the lack of control over it. So fucking suck it up and get on with it. Or at least, just suck it up.

     

another actual break

so i'm done with pre-u!

that's honestly an insane sentence to pen down. i've only ever envisioned my life as far as spm and to see how much i have progressed over the past year, i can just say i am living an incredibly blessed life.

i'm considering doing a recap about my foundation life, a blogpost with similar vibes to my older posts because they are very fun to revisit in future

anyway, if you told little me i was going to pursue a technical degree, one incredibly math heavy, i would honestly laugh in your face. i always considered myself to be living off a career i was highly passionate about, you know; something along the lines of language and writing. but realistically, i guess, that's not going to happen anytime soon. i can still keep my love for the art of language, of course, but i guess i won't be making money out of it (guess all dreams don't come true).

this semester break, i have decided to write more and read more. sometimes i just sit back and think about little me with her huge dreams of making it as a big-time author and i smile so hard at the ridiculousness of it, but deep down the urge is still very much real. yeah, sure i can acknowledge it's insanity, but my dreams, as insane as they are, is something i will hold on to - and hopefully achieve as the days go by. there's no rushing dreams, but keeping them alive as you age is necessary - i believe that's the pothole everyone falls into.

i also tried working on my "kiasu-ness" or ok lets face it, overbearing need to be excellent. odd thing is, i pressurize myself into gaining these qualities - and frankly, they are very unhealthy. i have been trying extremely hard not to overwork myself with too many extra-curricular activities and unrealistic grade standards. i think i've definitely improved, i no longer feel the need to rush and grab every single opportunity in sight but academically, it's still a problem. i can never settle for just OK, and that's honestly not the best way to live - especially in these few precious years of my youth.

i still recall creating this blog when i was 14 years old and was prepping myself to sit the exam portion of the ASEAN scholarship and i created this as a medium to share my experiences during the entire thing, (didn't make it pass the interview, as i remember; meh hehe). and look at me now. i'm turning 19, i have somewhat mediocre-ly made it through my pre university programme unscathed, i think i'm doing just fine. great, ,even. and i have some of the best people in my life to help me through it - my 5 friends who have stuck with me from primary school, my parents and a few people i met in my university. they're all fabulous and i appreciate them so much.

the last time i got an existential crisis, i was wondering if i can ever pull through this life on my own. can i even successfully complete that degree i'm aiming for? yeah, i'm an over-achiever but that's not going to help me through life. and there are so many other people who are going all out - seeking for internships, job shadowing, receiving scholarships up and down, securing solid positions in legitimate clubs - and who am i in this competitive world of people?

ah this post is as scrambled as my thoughts are

but as for today, i am happy, i feel blessed and loved and i am positive.

it will all work out, it always does - for better or for worse, it will all work out in the end.



     

the night

its nights like these when i remember why i fell in love with writing and how i hard i fell in love with it. while i have found a couple of people in my life to confide myself to, it's still not as convenient nor as raw as my feelings are when i use my written words as a medium. it feels like the empty space wants me to pour out my woes and my joys, instead of burdening other people with my worries and stress and anxiety.

tonight, i feel extremely lonely and that is completely my fault. certain people are circumstance-ially busy and others choose to leave me alone, why am I a fool to sit here and feel alone - you ask? I ask myself that exact same question.
my diet today was good, pretty decent, i even exercised. and then the anxiety of anger and loneliness came rushing in and i resorted to binge eating at 10pm. gosh, i'm weak. and i suck. I have convinced myself for so long that I am not broken, I have tried to paint a very perfect picture of myself online and in my head and in other people's head but frankly, after talking about my life (which I NEVER do) and after realising the power of my emotions, I have come to accept the very fact that I am indeed, damaged. and it fucking sucks. 
and i want to get better, and there are so many people in my life that are unknowingly helping me through this, but there are also so many of the same people in my life who are unknowingly killing me inside.
but i will stay strong and i will continue to put my words to paper as i watch the stars and the moon and the night sky comfort me in my own demise, and till then - i will not give in to my emotions. and till then, i will keep the happy face i have masked for so long, i will uphold my proffessionalism and continue to push myself to excel in life - show myself what i can do. prove myself worthy of me. 
and tonight after eating so much crap and watching the stars and writing this out, i think i can carry on - for now. 

ive been crying so much lately
it hurts to cry anymore
       

tonight

tonight i stared far and hard into the distance, into the dense, dark abyss we call the night sky. i sat at the far end of my university's corridors and stared up through the transparent panes, hoping for some twinkles of the stars or if not, the shine of a planet. but alas, i was greeted with nothingness.

it was somewhat soothing really, the deep void. it help circulate my thoughts and cleanse my insecurities. sometimes you just sit there and you wonder, how do you go from feeling so extremely high to your lowest low in the span of an hour? how much power can overthinking have on the soul that it shifts your entire mood.

and so i looked back at the night sky, at my night sky. ironic, isn't it. i find solace in the darkness of the night, in the beauty of space, in the wonder and amusement of an empty land when im very much a morning person. i truly appreciate the night though, i really do.

and so as i looked back, i thought long and hard. i reminisced my days that led me up to being me today. how life shaped out, its funny. i remember when i was 13 or 14, and i was in the back seat of my mother's car. you know how 13 year olds are - they think they own the world. i sat there and i thought "i can distinguish from right and wrong, easy. i have life figured out. how is it so hard? why does everyone keep complaining?

hah, i miss those days.

oh those foolish days.

slowly, i guess i learned. im still learning, i understand better now. the moon and the stars and the sky  have seen more tears and more of my feelings than anyone i know in person has. not any of my long term friends, not anyone. and it gives me peace and tranquility knowing that if i am alone, as sometimes i am, or if i ever feel alone, as i usually do, i have the sky and its blankness.

and as odd as it is, that soothes my heart.

so does writing my heart out.

before i left my little corner, i stared out the panes again. i thought i saw a shooting star, i promise my heart leaped to a new extreme. it was however, only a little orange bug zooming across my eyes, creating the illusion.

that's how hard i was staring.

and that's how life plays out - it tricks you into thinking you have it all.