12 November 2019
11 November 2019
26 September 2019
it really does get better
i've wanted to post on here for a while now, but i've had a pretty busy 2 weeks with lots of club stuff and 3 pending tests. and i was afraid that pouring my heart on here would trigger me.
i can safely say my mental health has improved TREMENDOUSLY over the past year since i started sunway. looking back from a healthier point of view, i definitely do not dismiss my self-diagnosis of depression because the thoughts and feelings and constant breakdowns i used to have were horrendous. i truly pray i never go back to those dark, dark days. it was horrible, i honestly cannot describe it. like that sinking feeling, what a pain it was.
well, i can safely say that i have improved BECAUSE this semester has honestly been pretty rocky this far. academically, i'm ok i guess - same old same old of getting lost in class and having to study at home but at least these days i have people i can go to in my (MANY) times of doubt. by rocky i mean that a lot of unexpected negative events occurred.
as of today, i can only recount the two major ones that have impacted my life significantly - but you know what? both didn't send me spiralling down a well of anxiety or depression, and i was SO shocked by that. "character development", as my roommate puts it nicely. and i can't help but agree with her. I've definitely grown throughout my time here- and i wish to continue growing. the first semester was so difficult, but im glad i pulled through and didn't just...you know..let it all go.
so the two events,,,... as for the first one, lets say it had to with a corrupt justice system and me having to go broke just to escape the ridiculous malaysian laws.
and as for the second, i found out that my grandma has 3 of her major arteries (i think, sorry am not a science student) blocked and to quote the doctor who gave her a check-up "I have no idea how she's still alive, it's truly a miracle". my grandma has dementia and can only distinctly remember a few people in the family - one of whom is myself. in fact, when i visited her today (yeah, long story short i skipped classes and came home to be with her for a while) she literally told me "i wish i would just go already. everyone's visited me, im happy about that" - of course referring to her demise. my grandma does this a lot; ive heard her say essentially "i just wanna die" countless of times. but today it hit differently - because I know, her time is almost up. and she's honestly the cutest person. and i'm home now in order to give her a sense of family and love and familiarity.
so you see...if these things had bombarded me in the first semester on top of my struggles of wanting to fit in, adapt and just NOT CRY AT EVERYTING - i swear i would probably be dead by now. no joke.
and its things like this that make me believe in God, or whatever higher presence there may be.
the timing of events, couldn't come any better. and now that i have a stronger mindset; the things life throws at me is just to keep me on my toes - and i will thrive and survive, as i have been.
and thank you to all the people in sunway, and my lil kx, for constantly supporting me; especially since i'm terrible at opening up, so the care that everyone radiates is genuine and not just pity because no one knows my sob story. well no one until clarence. and now mitch LOL.
and well, that's a life update from the 6th week of my second year.
14 August 2019
hello
hi to the people who bother to check in with me (especially since I've now changed my blog address).
last semester was so much better for me.
i know, growth.
my results come out in 2 days, and i do believe my grades will have suffered quite a bit due to me prioritising my mental health - but i can genuinely say im happier, fatter and more relaxed.
there are days when i get anxious and i get attacks but theyre no longer as frequent anymore.
thinking back to my dark days, i have to say im so grateful for everyone who reached out to me. everyone. the most unexpected people reached out and that was a HUGE help and i hope i can do the same to other people who find themselves in a hole like me.
i need to find a balance. next semester is crucial because it counts toward your final cgpa.
for now, my fingers are crossed that i've maintained all necessary too still keep my scholarship.
and when classes start next week, im going in with a fresh mindset - positive outlook and hopefully more self-confidence.
last semester was so much better for me.
i know, growth.
my results come out in 2 days, and i do believe my grades will have suffered quite a bit due to me prioritising my mental health - but i can genuinely say im happier, fatter and more relaxed.
there are days when i get anxious and i get attacks but theyre no longer as frequent anymore.
thinking back to my dark days, i have to say im so grateful for everyone who reached out to me. everyone. the most unexpected people reached out and that was a HUGE help and i hope i can do the same to other people who find themselves in a hole like me.
i need to find a balance. next semester is crucial because it counts toward your final cgpa.
for now, my fingers are crossed that i've maintained all necessary too still keep my scholarship.
and when classes start next week, im going in with a fresh mindset - positive outlook and hopefully more self-confidence.
29 July 2019
so its been a year & im still here
surprisingly
people said to give it time, and i did. well, the second semester wasn't too bad because it was only one relevant subject and 2 mpu subjects - it gave myself time to recuperate, and some time for my mind to rest.
third sem came around, it was hard. of course, as expected. but honestly, (ok my results aren't out yet) but i genuinely feel i could be doing 20x better if i were in an environment where people aren't all fake around me - discouraging me with them, but under silent masks rising to victory. its fine if you succeed, i'd be happy for you- but why is it your goal to bring me down with you as well? i pose this question to my ENTIRE actuarial class of 2021. why is it so important that your success MUST be at the expense of another's demise?
as hard as it is, to be honest - i like that things are interesting. every day im constantly learning something new and something demanding, something challenging. and at least i will always have the satisfaction of knowing that i have pushed myself the furthest i can go when it comes to education and intellect.
so, my issue remains.
my lack of friends.
lack of genuine people beside me, people who would want to help me nurture and me help them nurture - people who would want to attend events with me, people who would include me in competitions rather than be all hushed up and secretive about contacts and internships. i understand it's a competitive world - and in this competitive world, having one friend can make it all better.
i sadly, after one entire year of stress, depression and anxiety, have not found that one person.
if anything, only my roommate, my boyfriend, leeya and (occassionally) my 3 uni friends, are the ones keeping me somewhat sane.
i still have nightmares, i still have anxiety every day - but i've learnt to start keeping more of it to myself.
the heavy sinking feeling came back after finals of sem 3 - i know, ironic right? you'd think after finals i'd be lighter
HAH wrong.
as im about to enter year 2, i got a mild panic attack just from enrolling for my courses. they sound so daunting and scary and holy shit - i want to maintain my scholarship (yes, still an issue i struggle with. the requirements are high, an average of A but of course my asian ass wants that anyway but in this degree to attain that - you honestly have to give up a lot of your social life. and its hard to pretend to be happy like that, you know?)
and with year 2 come the stress of internships, and networking and connections.
i miss how confident i used to be back then, what happened to me?
now all i want
is to go through life unscathed, and get a degree unscathed, and in that process somehow land an internship with the 2 contacts i have.
unscathed, hopefully.
its been a year and i still miss my life and my friends from heriot watt. at first i (and im sure everyone else around me) thought i was being a big baby who couldnt let go and adapt to new life. well, its been a whole ass year. ive joined clubs, gained positions, made 3 friends.
and i still honest to god, cannot say that i am happy.
at all.
i miss my heriot watt friends but sadly - most of them don't miss me. which, is fine. but i miss them. tons. especially clarissa and mom; they give me so much strength and motivation, so mcuh energy and pizzazz. honestly if it weren't for them and the people in sunway i mentioned above, i'd be as good as dead by now. and im not just saying that.
if i had a time machine....oh if i did..
surprisingly
people said to give it time, and i did. well, the second semester wasn't too bad because it was only one relevant subject and 2 mpu subjects - it gave myself time to recuperate, and some time for my mind to rest.
third sem came around, it was hard. of course, as expected. but honestly, (ok my results aren't out yet) but i genuinely feel i could be doing 20x better if i were in an environment where people aren't all fake around me - discouraging me with them, but under silent masks rising to victory. its fine if you succeed, i'd be happy for you- but why is it your goal to bring me down with you as well? i pose this question to my ENTIRE actuarial class of 2021. why is it so important that your success MUST be at the expense of another's demise?
as hard as it is, to be honest - i like that things are interesting. every day im constantly learning something new and something demanding, something challenging. and at least i will always have the satisfaction of knowing that i have pushed myself the furthest i can go when it comes to education and intellect.
so, my issue remains.
my lack of friends.
lack of genuine people beside me, people who would want to help me nurture and me help them nurture - people who would want to attend events with me, people who would include me in competitions rather than be all hushed up and secretive about contacts and internships. i understand it's a competitive world - and in this competitive world, having one friend can make it all better.
i sadly, after one entire year of stress, depression and anxiety, have not found that one person.
if anything, only my roommate, my boyfriend, leeya and (occassionally) my 3 uni friends, are the ones keeping me somewhat sane.
i still have nightmares, i still have anxiety every day - but i've learnt to start keeping more of it to myself.
the heavy sinking feeling came back after finals of sem 3 - i know, ironic right? you'd think after finals i'd be lighter
HAH wrong.
as im about to enter year 2, i got a mild panic attack just from enrolling for my courses. they sound so daunting and scary and holy shit - i want to maintain my scholarship (yes, still an issue i struggle with. the requirements are high, an average of A but of course my asian ass wants that anyway but in this degree to attain that - you honestly have to give up a lot of your social life. and its hard to pretend to be happy like that, you know?)
and with year 2 come the stress of internships, and networking and connections.
i miss how confident i used to be back then, what happened to me?
now all i want
is to go through life unscathed, and get a degree unscathed, and in that process somehow land an internship with the 2 contacts i have.
unscathed, hopefully.
its been a year and i still miss my life and my friends from heriot watt. at first i (and im sure everyone else around me) thought i was being a big baby who couldnt let go and adapt to new life. well, its been a whole ass year. ive joined clubs, gained positions, made 3 friends.
and i still honest to god, cannot say that i am happy.
at all.
i miss my heriot watt friends but sadly - most of them don't miss me. which, is fine. but i miss them. tons. especially clarissa and mom; they give me so much strength and motivation, so mcuh energy and pizzazz. honestly if it weren't for them and the people in sunway i mentioned above, i'd be as good as dead by now. and im not just saying that.
if i had a time machine....oh if i did..
27 January 2019
a random ayam penyet review lmao
disclaimer: written by kx not me
Cyberjaya has quite a number of Ayam Penyet spots, though only very few stand out. On my mission to find THE best ayam penyet spot in Cyberjaya, I stumbled upon this unassuming spot on the same row as KFC.
The Food [3.5/5]
- Dapur Penyet's presentation was its best factor. Served on the traditional wooden tray, their chicken is beautifully plated alongside some sides of tempeh, tofu, raw veg and sambal. However, it was not very tender and left more to be desired. I suspect this is due to pre-cooking the chicken beforehand, as it was not served cold. Also, the sambal is on the milder side, especially if you were to compare it to the original Indonesian sambal.
On the other hand, their complimentary soup really stood out to me. While the peppery soup that is often combo-ed with ayam penyet is very common, this place did it much better than all the other places in Cyberjaya, due to a balanced amount of seasoning.
The Pricepoint [3/5]
- The prices for the food here range from RM10-RM15, making it relatively mid priced. There are cheaper, better options out there; though it might take some hunting.
The Ambiance [3/5]
- The interior felt like a fast-food joint, with the color scheme making it look reminiscent of A&W. The decor definitely did not suit the cuisine, but otherwise it was OK.
The Service [4/5]
- The servers and manager(?) were friendly and accommodating. I asked for extra sambal and they provided it with a smile. Furthermore, I actually left behind some belongings-- and they graciously kept it safe for me until I realized and turned back to collect it. Definitely one of the better points of Dapur Penyet.
Verdict: [3.5/5]
- The food is not amazing, but is definitely above average. However, if I had a choice, I would choose to head to a different restaurant to satisfy that ayam penyet cravings.
Cyberjaya has quite a number of Ayam Penyet spots, though only very few stand out. On my mission to find THE best ayam penyet spot in Cyberjaya, I stumbled upon this unassuming spot on the same row as KFC.
The Food [3.5/5]
- Dapur Penyet's presentation was its best factor. Served on the traditional wooden tray, their chicken is beautifully plated alongside some sides of tempeh, tofu, raw veg and sambal. However, it was not very tender and left more to be desired. I suspect this is due to pre-cooking the chicken beforehand, as it was not served cold. Also, the sambal is on the milder side, especially if you were to compare it to the original Indonesian sambal.
On the other hand, their complimentary soup really stood out to me. While the peppery soup that is often combo-ed with ayam penyet is very common, this place did it much better than all the other places in Cyberjaya, due to a balanced amount of seasoning.
The Pricepoint [3/5]
- The prices for the food here range from RM10-RM15, making it relatively mid priced. There are cheaper, better options out there; though it might take some hunting.
The Ambiance [3/5]
- The interior felt like a fast-food joint, with the color scheme making it look reminiscent of A&W. The decor definitely did not suit the cuisine, but otherwise it was OK.
The Service [4/5]
- The servers and manager(?) were friendly and accommodating. I asked for extra sambal and they provided it with a smile. Furthermore, I actually left behind some belongings-- and they graciously kept it safe for me until I realized and turned back to collect it. Definitely one of the better points of Dapur Penyet.
Verdict: [3.5/5]
- The food is not amazing, but is definitely above average. However, if I had a choice, I would choose to head to a different restaurant to satisfy that ayam penyet cravings.
23 January 2019
another year, once again
The next time I was posting here, I genuinely hoped it would be of happy thoughts. because frankly speaking, 2019 has been a much happier year for me. no, I'm still not used to the big dollops of loneliness that wash over me but I'm forcing myself to enjoy the peace and solace of being alone.
but here I am, writing this out because I'm in my room, crying again. sorry i guess my blog is just a place of confidence. I used to cry because I was angry. I was angry at the situation I was in, and I was angry during a lot of my arguments.
I guess that emotion has somewhat evolved because I'm no longer angry.
I'm just sad.
like when I fight, I just get sad. when I think of anything, it makes me sad. and yes, scared a lot of the times.
I used to send a lot of forced positive snaps to force myself to get through life in general. but this year I've unknowingly been snapping happily again. i snap good things, and the people around me. and it felt genuine and honest and i think my friends can feel it too.
today was the day i slipped back into my unintentional "forced" and "feelings type snap because i felt it hit my chest hard again. so hard that it almost physically hurt.
and one thing im happy about is: so many of my friends checked in on me. they know its very unlike me to snap how I feel out loud and it felt nice to know that someone kinda gives a shit, you know?
but then the one person who I thought would empathize didn't. just sent me a haughty remark and completely read the situation wrong. the one person i put my heart and soul into...
sometimes i wonder if im happy
and if i am why is it so hard to be happy?
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