The next time I was posting here, I genuinely hoped it would be of happy thoughts. because frankly speaking, 2019 has been a much happier year for me. no, I'm still not used to the big dollops of loneliness that wash over me but I'm forcing myself to enjoy the peace and solace of being alone.
but here I am, writing this out because I'm in my room, crying again. sorry i guess my blog is just a place of confidence. I used to cry because I was angry. I was angry at the situation I was in, and I was angry during a lot of my arguments.
I guess that emotion has somewhat evolved because I'm no longer angry.
I'm just sad.
like when I fight, I just get sad. when I think of anything, it makes me sad. and yes, scared a lot of the times.
I used to send a lot of forced positive snaps to force myself to get through life in general. but this year I've unknowingly been snapping happily again. i snap good things, and the people around me. and it felt genuine and honest and i think my friends can feel it too.
today was the day i slipped back into my unintentional "forced" and "feelings type snap because i felt it hit my chest hard again. so hard that it almost physically hurt.
and one thing im happy about is: so many of my friends checked in on me. they know its very unlike me to snap how I feel out loud and it felt nice to know that someone kinda gives a shit, you know?
but then the one person who I thought would empathize didn't. just sent me a haughty remark and completely read the situation wrong. the one person i put my heart and soul into...
sometimes i wonder if im happy
and if i am why is it so hard to be happy?
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