so its been a year & im still here
surprisingly


people said to give it time, and i did. well, the second semester wasn't too bad because it was only one relevant subject and 2 mpu subjects - it gave myself time to recuperate, and some time for my mind to rest.

third sem came around, it was hard. of course, as expected. but honestly, (ok my results aren't out yet) but i genuinely feel i could be doing 20x better if i were in an environment where people aren't all fake around me - discouraging me with them, but under silent masks rising to victory. its fine if you succeed, i'd be happy for you- but why is it your goal to bring me down with you as well? i pose this question to my ENTIRE actuarial class of 2021. why is it so important that your success MUST be at the expense of another's demise?

as hard as it is, to be honest - i like that things are interesting. every day im constantly learning something new and something demanding, something challenging. and at least i will always have the satisfaction of knowing that i have pushed myself the furthest i can go when it comes to education and intellect.

so, my issue remains.
my lack of friends.
lack of genuine people beside me, people who would want to help me nurture and me help them nurture - people who would want to attend events with me, people who would include me in competitions rather than be all hushed up and secretive about contacts and internships. i understand it's a competitive world - and in this competitive world, having one friend can make it all better.

i sadly, after one entire year of stress, depression and anxiety, have not found that one person.

if anything, only my roommate, my boyfriend, leeya and (occassionally) my 3 uni friends, are the ones keeping me somewhat sane.

i still have nightmares, i still have anxiety every day - but i've learnt to start keeping more of it to myself.

the heavy sinking feeling came back after finals of sem 3 - i know, ironic right? you'd think after finals i'd be lighter

HAH wrong.

as im about to enter year 2, i got a mild panic attack just from enrolling for my courses. they sound so daunting and scary and holy shit - i want to maintain my scholarship (yes, still an issue i struggle with. the requirements are high, an average of A but of course my asian ass wants that anyway but in this degree to attain that - you honestly have to give up a lot of your social life. and its hard to pretend to be happy like that, you know?)

and with year 2 come the stress of internships, and networking and connections.

i miss how confident i used to be back then, what happened to me?

now all i want

is to go through life unscathed, and get a degree unscathed, and in that process somehow land an internship with the 2 contacts i have.

unscathed, hopefully.

its been a year and i still miss my life and my friends from heriot watt. at first i (and im sure everyone else around me) thought i was being a big baby who couldnt let go and adapt to new life. well, its been a whole ass year. ive joined clubs, gained positions, made 3 friends.

and i still honest to god, cannot say that i am happy.


at all.


i miss my heriot watt friends but sadly - most of them don't miss me. which, is fine. but i miss them. tons. especially clarissa and mom; they give me so much strength and motivation, so mcuh energy and pizzazz. honestly if it weren't for them and the people in sunway i mentioned above, i'd be as good as dead by now. and im not just saying that.

if i had a time machine....oh if i did..