hi, you.

it's probably not a great sign that i had the urge to open you up again. 

today i went out with one of my bestest, closest friend. i dont know if she feels the same way, but i would trust this girl with my entire life. i love hanging out with her, she always makes me feel so calm and refreshed. this morning, i woke up at 8am-ish planning to get ready but i just felt the urge to open up my old blog and read some entries.

based on those reads - boy, have i been through quite abit. im kinda glad i still occasionally update here and there and man, i totally forgot how it's like to live a nice, romanticized life (based on my 2017-early 2018 entries). i aspire to be that me again. 

i also miss how artsy and beautifully i used to write. like, right now, i have writing gigs but the flair and beauty of the way i used to write is completely gone. it's okay tho, I believe one day I will find that piece of me again. 

so, let's get started with updates.

guess im an adult now. I'm 23 this year (that's wild, right?).

i graduated. yup, i did it. all those years of pain, literal depression and sadness - i went through it all and came out alive. and yes, I maintained the stupid scholarship. im so happy i managed to help my parents financially in that sense. 

i started my first full time job. but man, job-hunting was literal HELL. 

after my final paper, the relief set in for maybe 1-2 days... but after that was an existential crisis hell hole. I woke up and cried every day to kx, not knowing what the hell is going to be of my life. 

it was bad bad. the job market was scarce, and I had no fucking clue what kinda job I wanted to land. right now, im in a management trainee programme under teleport - a subsidiary of airasia. it's really tiring explaining to people what i do or where i am, because to be honest i have no fucking idea. but the culture is extremely good (so far) and I really like everyone that i meet. 

I was scouted for a programme manager job too but i really hated the culture and the people who interviewed me. so, oh well. I was probably not a great fit either. 

rejections over the few months after graduation was painful. i think nestle was the worst. not because i got rejected, but because of the way they handled my situation. it was really bad. they called me back after rejecting me - offered a different role - made me go through 2 more interviews just for them to fucking ghost me? and then come back to me with ANOTHER offer? boy, it was bad. the false hope was horrible and honestly, i think its a good thing i got rejected because i definitely do not want to work in a company that treats their employees, literal living, breathing human beings, like nothing but play toys or mere money-generating assets. it was a horrible experience.

interviewing with shopee was suckish too. but i wasn't too keen on the role, and i didn't like the vibes i got from there as well so.... lol oh well. 

interviews are really hard for me because my self-esteem dipped really, really low after every rejection. it sucks. i have absolutely no faith in myself and im so afraid my current pay is going to be stagnant af because im honestly so dumb. like book-smart is one thing, but the learning curve at work is really,really,really steep. and my current pay isn't craaazy amazing too. just borderline average. so, i dont know. 

sometimes i wake up, extremely anxious and i wonder what the fuck am I doing in my life. but other days, im extremely grateful for my flexible working hours, understanding manager and relaxed/vibey teammates. i enjoy the people i go to work with - which i genuinely believe is really important. 

but FUCk i hate interviews SO much that I don't know how i'll ever grow to get a better position or get promoted. hence the anxiety of a stagnant pay. 

but for right now, i think i'll just try my best to improve on myself and my mental health. this programme of mine is only for a year, so let's see how i grow and upskill. 

im thinking of starting therapy soon because my self-esteem is horrendously low. i can breakdown just thinking about it. and i have a very toxic mindset of comparing myself to literally everyone and anyone..

and i can become a monster when i get upset or angry, its not pretty. 

kx has been amazing through it all. tho he has his own flaws, he's been extremely patient, loving and supportive of me. im so grateful to have him in my life. 

anywho, let's see. i'll try to bring this blog back alive. i know i said that in 2020 too but hey, I miss it. I miss romanticizing life. I miss it a lot. 

im gonna try my best to bring me back.