i've wanted to post on here for a while now, but i've had a pretty busy 2 weeks with lots of club stuff and 3 pending tests. and i was afraid that pouring my heart on here would trigger me.
i can safely say my mental health has improved TREMENDOUSLY over the past year since i started sunway. looking back from a healthier point of view, i definitely do not dismiss my self-diagnosis of depression because the thoughts and feelings and constant breakdowns i used to have were horrendous. i truly pray i never go back to those dark, dark days. it was horrible, i honestly cannot describe it. like that sinking feeling, what a pain it was.
well, i can safely say that i have improved BECAUSE this semester has honestly been pretty rocky this far. academically, i'm ok i guess - same old same old of getting lost in class and having to study at home but at least these days i have people i can go to in my (MANY) times of doubt. by rocky i mean that a lot of unexpected negative events occurred.
as of today, i can only recount the two major ones that have impacted my life significantly - but you know what? both didn't send me spiralling down a well of anxiety or depression, and i was SO shocked by that. "character development", as my roommate puts it nicely. and i can't help but agree with her. I've definitely grown throughout my time here- and i wish to continue growing. the first semester was so difficult, but im glad i pulled through and didn't just...you know..let it all go.
so the two events,,,... as for the first one, lets say it had to with a corrupt justice system and me having to go broke just to escape the ridiculous malaysian laws.
and as for the second, i found out that my grandma has 3 of her major arteries (i think, sorry am not a science student) blocked and to quote the doctor who gave her a check-up "I have no idea how she's still alive, it's truly a miracle". my grandma has dementia and can only distinctly remember a few people in the family - one of whom is myself. in fact, when i visited her today (yeah, long story short i skipped classes and came home to be with her for a while) she literally told me "i wish i would just go already. everyone's visited me, im happy about that" - of course referring to her demise. my grandma does this a lot; ive heard her say essentially "i just wanna die" countless of times. but today it hit differently - because I know, her time is almost up. and she's honestly the cutest person. and i'm home now in order to give her a sense of family and love and familiarity.
so you see...if these things had bombarded me in the first semester on top of my struggles of wanting to fit in, adapt and just NOT CRY AT EVERYTING - i swear i would probably be dead by now. no joke.
and its things like this that make me believe in God, or whatever higher presence there may be.
the timing of events, couldn't come any better. and now that i have a stronger mindset; the things life throws at me is just to keep me on my toes - and i will thrive and survive, as i have been.
and thank you to all the people in sunway, and my lil kx, for constantly supporting me; especially since i'm terrible at opening up, so the care that everyone radiates is genuine and not just pity because no one knows my sob story. well no one until clarence. and now mitch LOL.
and well, that's a life update from the 6th week of my second year.
