a fresh month

i never realised how many people read my blog until i got a few dm's regarding a few of my previous posts.
i always thought this was a quiet safe haven and it holds quite a number of personal secrets (or not-so-personal) now that i think about it. i started writing casually here because i thought i had no one who bothered to read through it but knowing that there are some people who care enough about me to give me an occasional "hey are u ok?" helped me so much.

u have no idea.

anyway, this week I'm feeling much more positive and confident. i am going to take the new month by storm and put my chin up as high as it allows me to. i am going to give myself breaks that i deserve, study sufficiently and consistently but most importantly - i am going to work on keeping myself sane and happy.

also, i need to get used to doing things alone - especially eating alone. i have only one friend on campus, and her eating times differ from mine.

so i am going to learn to have to live independently.

but for everyone who checked in on me, thank you so much. you guys have no idea how much it's helped me.

p/s: I FINALLY BOUGHT A SUCCULENT it was kinda atas with a terrarium and all but hey, i'm using her as a symbol of growth and positivity. and she really calms me down.

its my second week at the new university and i can't tell u the number of times i have broken down crying in my room (or bathroom, if my roommate was home). i have no idea why i feel so out of place and the whole pressure of living up to a scholarship is really numbing my brain and stressing me the hell out.

honestly no one gets, no ONE gets how i truly feel. i always tell my friends "i miss hw" or like i ask for snaps from them from uni and its so painful to watch them. no one understands how fucking hard it was to leave my comfort zone and it was one of the biggest struggles in my life. i struggled so hard to make the decision, and im struggling now to stick to it.

my mom thinks im extremely happy, which is good. i dont want her to think otherwise. i need to put up the strongest front i got to my parents, because the least i can do is study hard and make their money's worth.

as for now, i struggle with the anxiety of going to class and meeting allllll sorts of characters, and i am honestly the shittiest person at saying no. i wonder whats going to happen to me.