time flies when you're growing up

I've just spent a whole 30 minutes reading my old blogposts and wow... what a wave of emotions.

I feel like I just relived the last 10 years of my life reading through all that. It's crazy. I can't believe I'm turning 26 this year, and I've had this blog SINCE I WAS 14 (?) wondering what the hell would become of me. 

I'm writing this in a daze because 1) its sunday night 2) I'm really sleepy & have to wake up for work tomorrow and 3) I am wondering how to make a comeback on this blog. 

I was so raw and authentic here, its insane. I was kinda dumb for thinking no one would be reading these entries but lets be honest, there are a lot of lurkers on the internet (including myself). but I don't hate myself for it - being brutally honest here I mean. and what you see are just the published posts. BOY MY DRAFTSSSS. 

anyway, thank you to my past self for being so authentic and true to herself. it captures the past decade of my life and my youth rather beautifully. unfortunately, I have to announce that a lot of that magic has since disappeared since I stepped foot into the corporate world. I've barely written anything for fun, I've barely done any activities that bring me pure joy - it all has a purpose to it. Going to the gym, pilates, dance - I do it all just so it would benefit me health-wise. 

The old entries of this blog really capture any form of passion I had for the art of writing, and it reignites every time I read them. anyway, I opened this up because I thought of starting the blog again. I said this so many times across multiple years - I know.  but I still come back, right? so its not so bad. I'll see what I can do. 

anyway just to document my day today, because I got this cute new digicam:

1) went to the gym in the AM - no pictures here because its just the gym, its boring. hm but maybe I'll include a picture in the future; so 40 year old me won't be annoyed that I said this and did not document it. 


2) tried out lacher @ the Met (long line, got tired of waiting but was worth it! so expensive tho)

kx n pastries

close-up of what we got

tunacado, truffle ham, raspberry praline & a gorgeous ice latte

me with bad lighting but cute vibes. i wore this cute little indian style dress that was kinda giving pajamas, but I hope I pulled it off in a chic way.....

3) went to get a random pedicure done (it was cheap @ rm50!) but my tiny toes got smudged coz I wore heels lol....i did maroon colour cos she didn't have white :(

4) got groceries

5) attended 'life is funny too' which is a fundraising comedy show under cancer research Malaysia. it was pretty good, my first time at a stand-up. I actually laughed out loud a bunch of times, which if you know me - is not something I usually do 

anyway that's all about today. but life updates well, that's a story for another day. a lot has happened since the last post....how do I sum it up? 

     

hi, you.

it's probably not a great sign that i had the urge to open you up again. 

today i went out with one of my bestest, closest friend. i dont know if she feels the same way, but i would trust this girl with my entire life. i love hanging out with her, she always makes me feel so calm and refreshed. this morning, i woke up at 8am-ish planning to get ready but i just felt the urge to open up my old blog and read some entries.

based on those reads - boy, have i been through quite abit. im kinda glad i still occasionally update here and there and man, i totally forgot how it's like to live a nice, romanticized life (based on my 2017-early 2018 entries). i aspire to be that me again. 

i also miss how artsy and beautifully i used to write. like, right now, i have writing gigs but the flair and beauty of the way i used to write is completely gone. it's okay tho, I believe one day I will find that piece of me again. 

so, let's get started with updates.

guess im an adult now. I'm 23 this year (that's wild, right?).

i graduated. yup, i did it. all those years of pain, literal depression and sadness - i went through it all and came out alive. and yes, I maintained the stupid scholarship. im so happy i managed to help my parents financially in that sense. 

i started my first full time job. but man, job-hunting was literal HELL. 

after my final paper, the relief set in for maybe 1-2 days... but after that was an existential crisis hell hole. I woke up and cried every day to kx, not knowing what the hell is going to be of my life. 

it was bad bad. the job market was scarce, and I had no fucking clue what kinda job I wanted to land. right now, im in a management trainee programme under teleport - a subsidiary of airasia. it's really tiring explaining to people what i do or where i am, because to be honest i have no fucking idea. but the culture is extremely good (so far) and I really like everyone that i meet. 

I was scouted for a programme manager job too but i really hated the culture and the people who interviewed me. so, oh well. I was probably not a great fit either. 

rejections over the few months after graduation was painful. i think nestle was the worst. not because i got rejected, but because of the way they handled my situation. it was really bad. they called me back after rejecting me - offered a different role - made me go through 2 more interviews just for them to fucking ghost me? and then come back to me with ANOTHER offer? boy, it was bad. the false hope was horrible and honestly, i think its a good thing i got rejected because i definitely do not want to work in a company that treats their employees, literal living, breathing human beings, like nothing but play toys or mere money-generating assets. it was a horrible experience.

interviewing with shopee was suckish too. but i wasn't too keen on the role, and i didn't like the vibes i got from there as well so.... lol oh well. 

interviews are really hard for me because my self-esteem dipped really, really low after every rejection. it sucks. i have absolutely no faith in myself and im so afraid my current pay is going to be stagnant af because im honestly so dumb. like book-smart is one thing, but the learning curve at work is really,really,really steep. and my current pay isn't craaazy amazing too. just borderline average. so, i dont know. 

sometimes i wake up, extremely anxious and i wonder what the fuck am I doing in my life. but other days, im extremely grateful for my flexible working hours, understanding manager and relaxed/vibey teammates. i enjoy the people i go to work with - which i genuinely believe is really important. 

but FUCk i hate interviews SO much that I don't know how i'll ever grow to get a better position or get promoted. hence the anxiety of a stagnant pay. 

but for right now, i think i'll just try my best to improve on myself and my mental health. this programme of mine is only for a year, so let's see how i grow and upskill. 

im thinking of starting therapy soon because my self-esteem is horrendously low. i can breakdown just thinking about it. and i have a very toxic mindset of comparing myself to literally everyone and anyone..

and i can become a monster when i get upset or angry, its not pretty. 

kx has been amazing through it all. tho he has his own flaws, he's been extremely patient, loving and supportive of me. im so grateful to have him in my life. 

anywho, let's see. i'll try to bring this blog back alive. i know i said that in 2020 too but hey, I miss it. I miss romanticizing life. I miss it a lot. 

im gonna try my best to bring me back. 

     

i think of death every day. 

not the good kind. 

its becoming very difficult and very dark. 

i hope i have the courage to go through it, or the alternative. 

either way, we will see.

the person closest to me says i need help, and that i do. 

     

I GOT MY FIRST REAL JOB OFFER EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ok, intern but whatever)

IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF WE CAME FAR, WE REALLY DID 

       

the land below the wind

I'm going to try to get back to "normal blogging". But as this blog is my baby, I sure as hell will be writing down my thoughts too.

So, just before the Covid-19 issue escalated in Malaysia (JUST before the tabligh cluster was found), my family went to Sabah for a mini vacation. terrible timing, I know. I did mention to my parents to take things seriously, but at that point it wasn't "widespread" enough and they didn't really want to listen to me. so, I did the best I could and forced everyone to wear masks and also stocked up on a shit ton of sanitizer.

we arrived in Sabah -  sometime in March, I can't recall the exact date. flight, of course. and checked in to our hotel room (of 2 days). That day, we had Jollibee for dinner.

I have to be honest, Jollibee is crap. probably a 2 or 1 out of 10 for me. maybe its better if you eat beef???? but honestly, everything else is MEH as heck. no regrets trying it out though. 

After dinner, we headed to the Gaya Night Market (at least, I think that's what it's called). It was a  nice walk and I loved the Sabah markets. I just love walking through places like a tourist, it's really fun to me. 

I didn't take toooo many pics, but these are some of it. Anchovies are so so cheap in Sabah!!! My mom was already planning to buy a bunch on our last night there (we were supposed to stay for a week). Following our stroll, my mom wanted to get some cake from Secret Recipe, which we did. And I got tea (of course!). 

I took a pic of the tea bag cus it was really good tea! still can't find the brand though. 

That pretty much summed up our first day. Until well,,, the next day where I had horrible period cramps. no joke, I was puking and had cold sweat the entire day. my cousin (who is a doctor in Sabah) had to come check on me. we were lowkey concerned that it would be Covid-19. at that point, I wanted to fucking die. I was truly suffering. 

in the end, I got admitted into the hospital. it was super scary. hospitals are already scary in general, but to be admitted in one during the covid-19 situation AND somewhere so foreign, I was terrified. but they gave me drops, vomiting mediation, some shots and I was all good after. the nurse kept calling me... some name that meant "girl" in Sabahan. she was really really nice and I appreciate all healthcare workers so much. the nurses were so comforting and accomodating to my fear, altho they had more serious cases to work on. the doctors were pretty cold, as usual. but bless the nurses. 

hospital views LOL. but get this, me getting admitted into the hospital wasn't even the craziest part of this trip. but that'll be a story for another day :) 

teeny update

boy, it's been a damn while. hey - you got paid to write!!!! that's a dream come true! life's a lot better since the last time i checked in and i'm thoroughly grateful. Not that my degree has gotten any easier, nor has dealing with the people around me (ie. classmates who i seriously CANNOT vibe with), but life's been a lot better. Personally, of course.

as I'm writing this, we're living through a pandemic. Covid-19. I'm sure even without penning this down I would remember this situation. but it feels pretty cool to say that I'm living through a pandemic. (and yes, i know this is a privilege, to be able to say this).

hm. Where do I even begin? Ok, let's categorize these thoughts.

1. Uni life

This was a big factor to my depressive episodes, which have no recurred at all this year (hence why this blog has been super dead, I was not suffocating and desperate for an external medium to vent my thoughts out. which is fantastic. I have made some better friends now, some I still have trouble feeling comfortable around but on the whole, I've met some really great people I can see myself being friends with for long-term. Also, my current semester (I'M ENDING YEAR 2!!!!!11HOLY!!!!!!!!) was completely online, and it really gave me a taste and filter of who I will stay friends with once uni is over. I'm just glad I have people around who I care for, and who (I hope) care for me. Purely speaking about friendships in Sunway U, that is. I still keep in contact with my childhood friends and some college friends. All in all, it's been getting much better.

2. Academics

It's not easy. It's not too tough (if I were diligent). I just need to set my mind to it and, surprisingly, I am coping. Not spectacularly, I'm not getting 90%s all around but I've managed to maintain my scholarship for 2 whole years!!!!!!!!!! and I have gotten all As (so far). But guess what? Even if I do get a grade less than an A, I will be completely OK. I have given up the life of overachieving. I just want to get through with my mental health as a priority, but of course try to keep up academically. And ever since I let go, I feel like I can finally breathe again.

3. Personal (?) Life

I did blogging for an ethical fashion brand, Biji Biji. ALL THIS WRITING AND PASSION PAID OFF!!!!!!!!!! I'm so proud of myself for that!!!!!! And, I got validation from my supervisor on my writing skills. Ever since I started actuarial science, I have to say I barely read and wrote. My writing definitely took a hit. But I picked it back up with the blogging job. And I have to say, i would LOVE to live off writing. Who knows? Maybe I could write for finance blogs/magazines like Rebecca from Confessions of a Shopaholic. Who knows....... To be honest tho, I do like what I'm studying. It keeps me on my feet, and I've never ever been bored. I learn something new EVERY semester and it's a degree I'm grateful to have ventured into. I'm learning valuable skills that I definitely can't teach myself, and this knowledge is precious. Altho it adds alot of stress, I'm trying to remember to be appreciative. And I am, I really am. It's just hard sometimes and you feel like breaking down. But the knowledge you acquire at the end is truly valuable.

Relationship-wise, it's going really smooth. idk if we matured or what, but we're in a really happy place and I'm glad.

so, it really did get better. and I'm glad I stuck around.




     

relationships are so difficult, its so hard to tell whether you're ever happy anymore or you're just familiar and scared of change.

     

its very difficult for me to really truly not want to talk  to someone
but if you're out,

you're out

it's 2.15am, 11/11/2019. how fucking appropriate.

  

it really does get better

i've wanted to post on here for a while now, but i've had a pretty busy 2 weeks with lots of club stuff and 3 pending tests. and i was afraid that pouring my heart on here would trigger me.

i can safely say my mental health has improved TREMENDOUSLY over the past year since i started sunway. looking back from a healthier point of view, i definitely do not dismiss my self-diagnosis of depression because the thoughts and feelings and constant breakdowns i used to have were horrendous. i truly pray i never go back to those dark, dark days. it was horrible, i honestly cannot describe it. like that sinking feeling, what a pain it was.

well, i can safely say that i have improved BECAUSE this semester has honestly been pretty rocky this far. academically, i'm ok i guess - same old same old of getting lost in class and having to study at home but at least these days i have people i can go to in my (MANY) times of doubt. by rocky i mean that a lot of unexpected negative events occurred.

as of today, i can only recount the two major ones that have impacted my life significantly - but you know what? both didn't send me spiralling down a well of anxiety or depression, and i was SO shocked by that. "character development", as my roommate puts it nicely. and i can't help but agree with her. I've definitely grown throughout my time here- and i wish to continue growing. the first semester was so difficult, but im glad i pulled through and didn't just...you know..let it all go.

so the two events,,,... as for the first one, lets say it had to with a corrupt justice system and me having to go broke just to escape the ridiculous malaysian laws.
and as for the second, i found out that my grandma has 3 of her major arteries (i think, sorry am not a science student) blocked and to quote the doctor who gave her a check-up "I have no idea how she's still alive, it's truly a miracle". my grandma has dementia and can only distinctly remember a few people in the family - one of whom is myself. in fact, when i visited her today (yeah, long story short i skipped classes and came home to be with her for a while) she literally told me "i wish i would just go already. everyone's visited me, im happy about that" - of course referring to her demise. my grandma does this a lot; ive heard her say essentially "i just wanna die" countless of times. but today it hit differently - because I know, her time is almost up. and she's honestly the cutest person. and i'm home now in order to give her a sense of family and love and familiarity.

so you see...if these things had bombarded me in the first semester on top of my struggles of wanting to fit in, adapt and just NOT CRY AT EVERYTING - i swear i would probably be dead by now. no joke.

and its things like this that make me believe in God, or whatever higher presence there may be.
the timing of events, couldn't come any better. and now that i have a stronger mindset; the things life throws at me is just to keep me on my toes - and i will thrive and survive, as i have been.

and thank you to all the people in sunway, and my lil kx, for constantly supporting me; especially since i'm terrible at opening up, so the care that everyone radiates is genuine and not just pity because no one knows my sob story. well no one until clarence. and now mitch LOL.

and well, that's a life update from the 6th week of my second year.



     

hello

hi to the people who bother to check in with me (especially since I've now changed my blog address).
last semester was so much better for me.
i know, growth.

my results come out in 2 days, and i do believe my grades will have suffered quite a bit due to me prioritising my mental health - but i can genuinely say im happier, fatter and more relaxed.

there are days when i get anxious and i get attacks but theyre no longer as frequent anymore.

thinking back to my dark days, i have to say im so grateful for everyone who reached out to me. everyone. the most unexpected people reached out and that was a HUGE help and i hope i can do the same to other people who find themselves in a hole like me.

i need to find a balance. next semester is crucial because it counts toward your final cgpa.
for now, my fingers are crossed that i've maintained all necessary too still keep my scholarship.

and when classes start next week, im going in with a fresh mindset - positive outlook and hopefully more self-confidence.


     

so its been a year & im still here
surprisingly


people said to give it time, and i did. well, the second semester wasn't too bad because it was only one relevant subject and 2 mpu subjects - it gave myself time to recuperate, and some time for my mind to rest.

third sem came around, it was hard. of course, as expected. but honestly, (ok my results aren't out yet) but i genuinely feel i could be doing 20x better if i were in an environment where people aren't all fake around me - discouraging me with them, but under silent masks rising to victory. its fine if you succeed, i'd be happy for you- but why is it your goal to bring me down with you as well? i pose this question to my ENTIRE actuarial class of 2021. why is it so important that your success MUST be at the expense of another's demise?

as hard as it is, to be honest - i like that things are interesting. every day im constantly learning something new and something demanding, something challenging. and at least i will always have the satisfaction of knowing that i have pushed myself the furthest i can go when it comes to education and intellect.

so, my issue remains.
my lack of friends.
lack of genuine people beside me, people who would want to help me nurture and me help them nurture - people who would want to attend events with me, people who would include me in competitions rather than be all hushed up and secretive about contacts and internships. i understand it's a competitive world - and in this competitive world, having one friend can make it all better.

i sadly, after one entire year of stress, depression and anxiety, have not found that one person.

if anything, only my roommate, my boyfriend, leeya and (occassionally) my 3 uni friends, are the ones keeping me somewhat sane.

i still have nightmares, i still have anxiety every day - but i've learnt to start keeping more of it to myself.

the heavy sinking feeling came back after finals of sem 3 - i know, ironic right? you'd think after finals i'd be lighter

HAH wrong.

as im about to enter year 2, i got a mild panic attack just from enrolling for my courses. they sound so daunting and scary and holy shit - i want to maintain my scholarship (yes, still an issue i struggle with. the requirements are high, an average of A but of course my asian ass wants that anyway but in this degree to attain that - you honestly have to give up a lot of your social life. and its hard to pretend to be happy like that, you know?)

and with year 2 come the stress of internships, and networking and connections.

i miss how confident i used to be back then, what happened to me?

now all i want

is to go through life unscathed, and get a degree unscathed, and in that process somehow land an internship with the 2 contacts i have.

unscathed, hopefully.

its been a year and i still miss my life and my friends from heriot watt. at first i (and im sure everyone else around me) thought i was being a big baby who couldnt let go and adapt to new life. well, its been a whole ass year. ive joined clubs, gained positions, made 3 friends.

and i still honest to god, cannot say that i am happy.


at all.


i miss my heriot watt friends but sadly - most of them don't miss me. which, is fine. but i miss them. tons. especially clarissa and mom; they give me so much strength and motivation, so mcuh energy and pizzazz. honestly if it weren't for them and the people in sunway i mentioned above, i'd be as good as dead by now. and im not just saying that.

if i had a time machine....oh if i did..